Ok, now that we've gotten some general terminology out of the way, we can move on to some more in-depth stuff.  I may repeat myself here and there, but that's because I feel that I'm making an important point.  But first:

 

Computer

Pronunciation:  \kəm-ˈpyü-tər\

Function:  noun

Usage:  often attributive

Date:  1646

2 : a programmable usually electronic device that can store, retrieve, and process data

 

Maintenance

Pronunciation:  \ˈmānt-nən(t)s, ˈmān-tə-nən(t)s\

Function:  noun

Etymology:  Middle English, from Anglo-French, from maintenir

Date:  14th century

3 : the upkeep of property or equipment

So we ignore the fact that some English words were stolen from those pretentious French-types (I'm part French...deal with it), use our overwhelming powers of deductive reasoning and reading comprehension, put it all together and get, "The upkeep of a programmable electronic device that can store...blah, blah, blah."  Pretty straightforward, right?  Right. </englishlesson>

(for those of you that didn't understand, </englishlesson> was a joke.  Using juxtaposition by writing "end english lesson" in a computer language called HTML...oh, never mind)

"But Steve," you all moan, "how do we maintain our computers?"  That, my good sirs and gentle ladies, is our subject for today.   We're going to cover some of the most basic things that you can do to maintain your computer and keep it running in top form.   That way you can continue to peddle used socks and underwear on E-bay, short-sell your silly stock certificates on the TD Ameritrade site and traffic in pirated music and movies until your eyes bleed.  Hell, you'll even be able to throw together a neighborhood LAN party and play team Minesweeper when we get through here.  All that at the breakneck speeds your parents could only dream about whilst slogging along on a Wang token ring.

*balloons and confetti fall from ceiling*

Alright, settle down now.  I think that you would be best served if I explain what to service, then explain how to service it and when.  So first, let's break down the "what" into bight sized chunks, shall we?  In my travels, I have found that speed issues are caused by a veritable cornucopia of things with 3 of those leading the pack.  In other words, if you fix those 3 things, you will eliminate most of the causes of slow speeds.  They are heat (physical maintenance), lack of necessary memory (hardware maintenance) and inadequate or non-existent file maintenance (software maintenance).

• Heat (aka physical maintenance) - Heat is, almost universally, cause numero uno of system slow downs and application/operating system crashes.  If you have noticed a marked speed decrease, an increase in applications (including Windows) hanging or crashing and you haven't altered you computer's hardware or software, chances are your computer is running hot.  I'd be willing to bet a year's wages that you haven't cleaned the dust and pet hair out of your computer chassis...ever.  Either crack the case open and clean that thing out (at least every 6 months), or hire someone to do it for you.  Think of it this way:  If you were sitting in a 250 degree oven full of smoke, dust and hair, you wouldn't be too productive either.
• Lacking Memory (aka hardware maintenance) - Odds are, if heat isn't your problem, then this is.  Just like grandma and her ever progressing senility, your computer can only use what it's got and everything new just gets tossed out; you can only cram so much information in to a finite space before it gets full.  That's actually an oversimplified analogy (please see the one I made in the "RAM" section here for edification) because, unlike grandma, your computer doesn't "forget."  It just stores overflow information back on the painfully slow hard drive in the form of "page file memory."  This problem can stem from 2 different, yet equally likely, issues:
  • If, and that's a little if, you don't have an unabridged dictionary and an entire library of encyclopedias opening at Windows startup, you may need to upgrade the amount of RAM (Random Access Memory) that's physically present on the motherboard.  As I stated before, this is the fastest and most cost effective way (besides cleaning the vent fans and chassis of all that dust) to speed up your computer and give it some room to breathe.  You'll need to consult the computer manufacturer (aka Original Equipment Manufacturer or OEM) to find out exactly what kind of RAM you need and the maximum amount that your computer and it's operating system will recognize.  Don't trust the 17 year old twit at the local "big box" electronics store to be able to tell you anything useful.  He just hawks that computer crap so he can take his girlfriend out to fancy dinners at Taco Bell ("No snookums!  I just got my commission check, so we're gonna shoot the works!  Get the Nachos Bellgrande!).  Call the OEM or a real computer consultant.  
  • If a lack of physical memory isn't the problem, we're starting to lean into the last of the 3 reasons (software maintenance) that I stated above, but we'll cover it here briefly.  Look down at your "start" bar, next to the clock (it's called the task bar, in case you were wondering - see picture at left).  Do you see 45 little icons there?  Those are programs that most likely loaded when Windows started up, and they're using up your precious RAM just sitting there looking cute.  Do you really need AOL Instant Messenger, Yahoo Instant Messenger, iTunes, Apple QuickTime, Windows Media Player, WinAmp, Tetris, Weatherbug, Google Desktop, 3 different photo rendering applications, Outlook and Outlook Express to start when you log in?  Or, do you think it might be more prudent to start each program manually when you're actually going to use it?  Rule of thumb:  You shouldn't have more than 4 or 5 icons in that tray after Windows is done loading.  If you do, proceed to the next topic directly.
• Inadequate/non-existent file maintenance (aka software maintenance) - The following is probably the most common user mistake of them all:  You call Dell and have them build you a brand spanking new computer by hand.  They ship it directly to your house via UPS (admit it -  you started tracking it the minute you hung up the phone) in a huge box with big blue letters.  You bust it out, set it up and then run out to Best Buy and get all the software that you couldn't get Dell to load for you at the factory - genealogy libraries of massive proportions, 3D games up the wazoo, the full $650 Adobe Photoshop Suite, screensavers, ringtone making software for your cell phone, Microsoft Office 9003 Ultramegasupreme Plus, and some games for the kids so your wife doesn't kick your ass for spending another $4000 on your computer.  You rush home (getting a ticket for reckless driving, no doubt), fire up that shiny new funbox and start loading software on it as fast as your DVD/CD combo drive will spin.  As each program's installation package comes up, you just bang the "next" button feverishly, never bothering to read what it is you're telling the program to do.  Now, you have 68 programs loading when Windows starts up.  Of course, you'll only use Microsoft Powerpoint to see those cheesy slideshows about endangered snufflopods and ice sculptures in China that your brother-in-law, the environmental wacko, forwards to you in e-mail attachments 92 times a day.  You'd love to see the pictures that you downloaded off of your $2000, 49 gigapixle digital camera, but you zoomed through the Photoshop setup so fast you never saw where it actually stores your photos.  You're not really sure what DBase is, but it sounded like something you couldn't live without so that's on there, too.  Your computer is a whole 4 nanoseconds old, and it's already running like an 80 year old man with a double hip replacement.  Are  you starting to see where you went wrong?  Here's a hint, just in case you missed it:  Your hard drive is full!  Your memory is so full, it's caching stuff back to the hard drive (which slows everything down even more) before Windows is even done loading!  That box sitting there isn't a Cray super computer, and even those have limits, ya know.  Tips to live by:
  • If you don't know what you're going to use an application for, or if you don't know how to use it, you do not need it.  If you think that you'd like to use your computer to do something you're unfamiliar with (like unseating the Rockefellers by conquering the oil industry), don't buy software and try to figure it out.  Take a class to learn how to use the software effectively, then buy the software.
  • Pay attention to the setup package of your application.  If you only use a program (like Powerpoint) once in a century, do not have it loading up at Window's startup.  Better yet, don't load it on to your computer at all.  This is where it pays to be honest with yourself and answer the question, "How often am I really going to use this?"  It actually helps more if you ask that question before you buy the $500 Ultimate Edition, when the $125 Basic version would have done everything you needed.
  • Regularly clean up your hard drive by removing (uninstalling) unused applications, running disk defragmenter software, tossing (deleting) old or outdated files in "My Documents" and changing applications' configurations to keep them from loading up until you're ready to use them.  If you're not doing this at least once a month, you are a slacker McFly.
  • Get a "computer guy" (or girl).  Someone you can trust to help you make all your decisions concerning computers (buying, upgrading, maintaining) and that explains to you what he/she is doing to fix your problem so you can understand it.  Someone who isn't put off by questions or you not understanding "tech" language (This is a real language.  It's distinctive by its clicks, clacks and involuntary head movements).  Someone who will show you, step-by-step, how to maintain your computer yourself, leaving the "hard stuff" to him/her.  Someone who charges you a fair price for their work, preferably by the hour, not by the job.  If someone wants to charge you by the job, they're almost surely trying to overcharge you for something that takes very little time to do...and they're probably doing a half-assed job of it, as well.

Well, I think that's going to be it for now.  I realize that this was a pretty short blog, but I didn't have much to say on the topic.  I'll cover some of the things mentioned here in greater detail when I'm not so busy playing mahjongg online and sipping wheatgrass juice in my underwear.  I placed some links to a virtual library of useful software down below, for those of you that can't help yourselves.  Just remember to give me a call when you need to take it all back off.

Steve@Dall-Tech

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